BYE-BALLER? SILVICULTURE CREW LEADS TO BE CASTRATED AS OF 2027
An Okanagan judge has ruled in favour of sweeping legislation that will require all crew leads in the silviculture industry to undergo castration procedures beginning March 2027. The move comes after a settlement was reached in the case of Root vs. the Crown, a controversial suit that claimed the plaintiff suffered from wage inequality. The veteran planter leading the charge, Jean Root, originally could not be reached for comment on Facebook messenger, however a Fir The People journalist happened to run into him sleeping in van at a recreational site east of Nelson.
LRB: Mr Root, I presume?
JR: You can call me Johnny.
LRB: Thanks for inviting me into your 2007 Dodge Caravan today, Johnny. How long have you been planting, and where?
JR: I stop counting after ten season. And I have work for everyone in BC, especially Zanzibar.
LRB: Would you like to clarify the basis of your lawsuit for the readers at home?
JR: For sure. It is a fucking bullshit. Every time I have the bad land my crew boss say “No, Johnny it is just a little slash. You cannot have the price-bump.” En tabernak! I have been doing this since you were wearing the diapers, ostie. I think I would know. But then later in the truck I hear some on my crew say they get a cent bump but their land was not as bad as mine! I see it from the truck. So much of the cream! So it must only be one thing; of course, my crew boss is giving unfair treatment to me because he do not want to sleep with me like he does the rest of the crew.
LRB: Wow, those are strong claims. Better luck next season, Johnny.
JR: It is true! I see them talking around the campfire! Hey- wait- where are you going? Want some K?
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This news has rocked the popular online forum “King Kong Reforestation” with some going as far to say that this is a violation of basic human rights. One anonymous user shared their concerns:
“this is fkked up!!! whats next i have to wear a hardhat inside my tent????”
WorksafeBC was quick to declare their support of this shocking amendment to the BC Forest Legislation Manual. Their official statement is as follows:
“The complete and utter barbie-doll castration of all crew leads is a move that we have
advocated for since late 2021. It is apparent that the side effects of chemical castration from seedling pesticides have not been sufficient in keeping the disgusting planter population in check, and more drastic measures must be taken in order to ensure our total control of the industry.”
Time will tell whether or not this mandate will be successful. The legislation is of course limited to operations headquartered in British Columbia, and is in stark contrast to the recently passed bill from Alberta’s provincial parliament that will supply an estimated 5,000 planters with government-mandated Vyvanse prescriptions at no cost: a groundbreaking first in Albertan socialist policy.
Read more at www.firthepeople.ca.