The Key To Happiness?
Recent studies out of the esteemed Oxford University have demonstrated that Nitrous Oxide can offer prompt relief to patients suffering from the symptoms of major depressive disorder. Nitrous Oxide, commonly referred to as ‘laughing gas’ or ‘whippits’ on the streets, is a fast-acting inhalant normally administered from a moist balloon shared amongst a gaggle of delinquents.
Researchers discovered “a single treatment of inhaled clinical nitrous oxide… produced rapid and significant reductions in depressive symptoms within 24 hours” (University of Birmingham) and that while these effects were not sustained after one week, constant redosing was suggested in order to provide lasting relief. It has been theorized that Nitrous Oxide targets glutamate receptors in a similar fashion to that of ketamine, a dissociative drug commonly found lining the nostrils of accolade-deficient EDM aficionados the world around.
Did someone say ketamine? 9/10 users of ketamine interviewed by Fir The People routinely report a decrease in depressive and anxious thoughts, followed by sustained decrease in cortisol levels for up to thirty days. Ketamine is present in several forms: esketamine and arketamine, or simply S-type and R-type, respectively. Esketamine is known to produce the dissociative, hallucinatory effects sought out by deadbeats and lowlifes like the ones we interviewed for this article- arketamine, its not-so-prevalent sibling isomer, is associated with “antidepressant-like effects” (University of Jinan, Guangzhou, China) and fewer
In order to better contextualize these findings, we interviewed Jacob Mittermaier-Zubeck, a notorious fiend residing in Montreal, Quebec. Jacob is employed as the Head of Grungite Relations here at Fir The People.
Whippet machine, like the teat of, ah, mystical, ah. Like the teat of Lady Crung herself. Um. Um. At this point. I decided I would like to try some as well. I tell him to pass it over and try my hand-
“Oh no, you gotta tighten it!” “Oh. Okay.” And I. I tighten the nozzle and suck like life depends on it!
And then the next thing I know I’m falling back through my body in time laying back on the red velvet van seat… My friend and his sister approach me with concerned faces- My friend asks: “Heyyy buddy you okay?” (in a baby voice). And uh.*cough* After what seems like- Oh, yeah I also looked like Einstein this whole time. I’m covered in charcoal and my hair is that of Albert’s (moustache and all).
They, uh. They peer concernedly into my eyes, and after what seems like many an hour, I answer. “I am going to be ok. I have not been this high in a very long time.” And then I stand up- in a swift fashion- and I continue on with life.
Your past self was transported forward?
*cough cough*
Traumatic for others.
It Ain’t All Sunshine And Roses
Aside from the potential benefits of these aforementioned drugs, and the odd chance to turn one blue as experienced by Jacob, they also pose significant risks if abused. One user of ketamine, DJ Yung Dankasaurus Rex (Y.D.X.) of Salmo B.C. reported several negative side effects. Mr. Dankasaurus Rex took to self-medicating his clinical depression with heavy ketamine usage, often ripping monster lines on the daily.
L.R.B.: “Studies show ketamine and nitrous oxide both possess anti-depressant properties. Does that align with your experience?”
Y.D.X.: “It created more issues for me than it solved. It’s like pressing pause on your existence, which is pretty soothing… As soon as I wasn’t using ketamine daily it almost reverted to a polar opposite. I also felt like I got bipolar from withdrawals which SUCKED, (experienced) suicidal ideation, and on top of all that bogus crap I would piss myself sometimes. Also I almost gave myself nerve damage abusing nitrous.
Needless to say I haven’t used ketamine since July, and I could see how it could be beneficial. I just think that more study needs to go into it.”
L.R.B.: “Thanks for sharing, I appreciate your openness and vulnerability. Glad to hear you’re able to stay off the K!”
The gnarly drum and bass tracks of Yung Dankasaurus Rex can be found on streaming platforms under the moniker “Y.D.X.”. Groove responsibly.
The Prescription
It has been proven that ketamine and whippits can provide temporary relief from depression, however, as with any substance, it is necessary to treat them with respect and caution. The danger that these drugs carry often goes unheard of- their nature as ‘party drugs’ means that the issues that arise with both casual and heavy use are not so prevalent in the public discourse, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t pose a health risk due to both their addictive qualities and potential adverse effects.
We don’t have any doctors on staff at Fir The People, but if we did, they would rate the combination of ket & nitrous a ‘PRESCRIBE WITH CAUTION’- benefits exist, but the risks are not to be ignored. As with any substance, start small with your dosage, and refrain from using alone.
We do not actually endorse any person, place, thing, action, or adjective, real or imagined. Be responsible.
If you’re struggling with addiction, depression, or both, you’re not alone. To find more resources, or just have a chat, feel free to reach out any time to Lucky R.B., head of the journalism department at Fir The People, at 289-696-6023. Harm reduction materials and addiction hotlines can be found here.